: Friday, April 30, 2004 :

 
Listening to: John Mayer - Room For Squares

I'm freaking out about next year again. I'm not sure about where I will be (hopefully Northern India, though). I don't know what to do for the second half of the year. There are many options: interning at a postmodern church in the States, doing something with Carlton in Brussels, doing something in Geneva, seminary, ... What to do??? The abundance of options paradoxically makes it feel like there are no options. Maybe it's because I'm not sure any of these options are actually possible.
I know I have to move myself out of Geneva. But again, there are people here that I don't want to leave!
Ack. This uncertainty is stressful.

In totally unrelated news, I just listened to a John Mayer song I can completely relate to...

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me

[John Mayer - Love Song For No One]
rambled on byThais 11:49 PM

: Sunday, April 25, 2004 :

 
"Look at your life and see how you have filled its emptiness with people. As a result, they have a stranglehold on you. See how they control your behaviour by their approval and disapproval. They hold the power to ease your loneliness with their company, to send your spirits soaring with their praise, to bring you down to the depths with their criticism and rejection.
Take a look at yourself spending almost every waking moment of your day placating and pleasing people, whether they are living or dead. You live by their norms, conform to their standards, seek their company, desire their love, dread their ridicule, long for their applause, meekly submit to the guilt they lay upon you; you are terrified to go against the fashion in the way you dress or speak or act or even think.
And observe how when you control them you depend on them and are enslaved by them. People have become so much part of your life that you cannot even imagine a life that is unaffected or uncontrolled by them." - Anthony DeMello, quoted in "Abba's Child", by Brennan Manning.

I know I'm guilty of this. But also, as I was typing out this rather long quote, I started thinking that God does want us to be in community with one another. And he wants us to develop healthy interdependance with one another, doesn't He? A life unaffected by other people is not what God wants, is it?
But when it comes to approval and self-worth, Jesus should be our source... If we truly realised how much He loves, cherishes, and pursues us then people's approval would be far from dictating who we become...
Maybe what I'm writing only makes sense to myself... Oh well, it won't be the first time...

rambled on byThais 6:47 PM

: Friday, April 23, 2004 :

 
Listening to: Switchfoot - The Beautiful Letdown

I don't exactly know what to write. I have many thoughts running through my head, as usual. One of them has to do with the Holy Spirit and how I think I may finally be recognising His voice. Recently, for instance, I have felt really convicted about certain things, mainly about how I treat other people. And I just know it's the Holy Spirit, because it's the kind of thing I wouldn't have cared about or noticed a couple years ago. It's a feeling of like real hurt, almost, like man, my actions are really grieving the Spirit dwelling inside of me...
Also, I feel Him nudging me to spend time in stillness. Time in His beauty. Time in His presence. Time away from the routines and thoughts and stresses of everyday life.

So yeah, that's part of what's been happening in my thoughts recently....

rambled on byThais 12:38 AM

: Wednesday, April 14, 2004 :

 
Listening to: Passion - Sacred Revolution

Sadly, today illustrates exactly who I am...
I started off the day quite well intentioned, I even went for an hour-long walk in the woods to get away from the routine and spend some time in stillness with God. I read some of "Abba's Child". by Brennan Manning. Awesome awesome book. It's all about truly believing that we are loved and cherished by God. I bought some food to bring to small group tonight.
And then, I got to small group.
I laughed at people. I didn't listen. I didn't help clean up. I was exclusive. I ignored people. I left early, and hung out at my place with the people I actually wanted to hang out with.
How UGLY is that? I am so sick of myself.

"I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.
It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?
The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different."
[Romans 7:18-25; The Message]

I'm sorry, Lord. And I thank You for a grace that I don't understand. For a love that is unconditional. Help me, for I am a complete failure without You...
rambled on byThais 11:58 PM

: Tuesday, April 06, 2004 :

 
Unprocessed thoughts after watching Mel Gibson's The Passion Of Christ:

I've never been so tense while watching a movie.
Interesting Satan-character: remarkable taunt in the very beginning of the movie ("do you really think one man can take on the sin of the whole world? It will never work") , and how he shows up in the crowds throughout.
Isaiah 53 just became way more meaningful. Way more.
How can I ever complain again about a tough situation?
...

rambled on byThais 11:54 PM

: Sunday, April 04, 2004 :

 
Listening to: Shane Barnard - Rocks Won't Cry

Shane Barnard sings a song called "Received". One of the verses goes like this:
"You whispered to Your child today
but i haven't got a minute to listen
Your child is busy with the work of God and taking Him for granted
got a lot to do today, kingdom work's the game i play
Lord my serving You replaced me knowing You."

I always really liked that last line, and always unconsciously vowed I'd never fall into the trap of serving God so much I'd forget to get to know Him. But guess what? That's exactly where I am right now. I'm doing this, and doing that, and leading this, and leading that, and somewhere along the way, I've left God behind.
Some days, I despise who I am. I'm critical and hard-hearted. Judgemental, and self-righteous. Proud, and unthankful. Cynical and self-seeking. Living for the praises of human beings instead of offering up my life as worship.

If you, O LORD , kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.
I wait for the LORD , my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning.
[Psalm 130:3-6]

May I wait. Wait on the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning... May I come back to knowing Him, and may that be my only motivation for serving Him...

rambled on byThais 5:59 PM

: Friday, April 02, 2004 :

 
Listening to: Robbie Seay - Better Days

The Robbie Seay Band has a new CD out! Yes! (you can listen to it in full on his website)

And now, onto my thought for the day...

I find it really difficult to have my friends spread out at the four corners of the world. Especially when birthdays come around. You wish you could be surrounded by all your good friends... but that's impossible when you come from Geneva. Moo.

rambled on byThais 10:18 AM