: Thursday, September 30, 2004 :

 
Listening to: Shane & Shane - Carry Away

I got a little job babysitting/tutoring two little boys for a few hours a day. It's good to have something to do! And it actually pays pretty well, so I'm happy. And kids always end up doing things that remind me of some aspect of my relationship with God.
Take this instance... I was having a snack with them, when the youngest boy says to his brother "Hey Max, if you look in the raspberry jam, you'll be suprised, you'll see".
So Max gets up from the table, reaches for the jam in the cupboard, takes it down and peers into it. Sure enough, he takes out a little plastic elephant from it. (random, I know...) His brother had put it in there a little earlier and could not wait for someone to find it - so he prompted his brother to find it. When Max took it out, his brother giggled and laughed and was thouroughly amused - he was pretty dang proud of his funny suprise.
Seeing his delight at his own suprise reminded me of how much God delights in us. Much like this 6 year old who'd hidden a suprise in the jam, God want to suprise His children with good things. This past week has felt like that for me, anyways. God is like "Hey Thais, if you look in Geneva, you'll be surprised, you'll see!" And then He waits, and a grin comes upon His face as I find all the cool things He's prepared for me here, as I wait to leave...
God is pretty cool like that :)

rambled on byThais 11:57 PM

: Saturday, September 25, 2004 :

 
Listening to: Switchfoot - Beautiful Letdown

We talked
And my heart grew heavy.
No, it broke.
It broke because you couldn't see.
You couldn't cast the scales from your eyes.
Or are they really the scales on your heart?

You hurt.
And there's nothing I can do.
Can I help you see yourself through new eyes?
The eyes of love as it's meant to be.
Graceful. Unconditional. Forgiving. Accepting.

I'm here to listen.
Speak your heart out.

rambled on byThais 3:01 PM

: Tuesday, September 21, 2004 :

 
1. I hurt: people's feelings, sometimes.
2. I love: god. people. music. autumn. laughter. connection.
3. I hate: arrogance. fakeness. narrow-mindedness. distance.
4. I cry: when i see beauty & when i feel like nobody's there for me.
5. I fear: loneliness.
6. I hope: in things unseen.
7. I sadden: when christians are ungraceful and legalistic.
8. I feel alone: when i'm not understood.
9. I kill: flies & mosquitoes.
10. I talk: too much.
11. I listen: not enough.
12. I break: cd cases.
13. I see: beauty, hurt, and an aching for more.
14. I smell: like my laundry.
15. I taste: and see that the lord is good. (ps 34:8)
16. I work: for god rather than enjoying him.
17. I remember: a lot of things.
18. I hold: my friendships dearly.
19. I hide: underneath my bed ;)
20. I pray: half as much as i'd like to.
21. I walk: to clear my head and refocus.
22. I drive: always with music.
23. I read: a lot.
24. I burn: cds.
25. I breathe: daily.
26. I play: guitar.
27. I miss: seeing passion in people.
28. I touch: things that aren't too hot.
29: I learn: everyday, hopefully.
30. I feel: like getting out of Geneva.
31. I know: that i don't know a lot.
32. I said: many things that i regret.
33. I dream: that one day, i'll get to do ministry with certain people.
34. I have: great friends.
35. I want: to know You more.
36. I fall: in love with boys who don't reciprocate.
37. I wait: impatiently.
38. I need: clarity & guidance.
39. I live: day to day.
40. I die: to the world...

rambled on byThais 1:33 PM

: Sunday, September 19, 2004 :

 
Listening to: Newcomers Home - In the Hour

Waiting.
Constant change of mind.
Epehemeral inspiration.
Be still. Cease striving.
The restlessness is mounting.
Looking into nothingness
And opinions won't be quiet.
Can someone just please tell me
Where and when and why and how.

rambled on byThais 2:33 PM

: Wednesday, September 15, 2004 :

 
This state of unknowing is driving me insane. It's even affecting my sleep. Every night, it's a struggle to fall asleep because I'm tossing and turning, thinking about where I should go, or what I should do, or what things are important to me, or how to perceive God's will. And every night, it's like a new idea pops into my head, and I get lost between what I want, what I think I want, what I think God wants, what my parents want, and what people are telling me I should want.
Aggravating.
But the thing that keeps coming back is the humanitarian-thing-in-a-country-far-far-away-thing. I sort of dropped the idea after my conversation with the missions committee guy. But why? I know God layed it on my heart - and all I've done is get discouraged and then find excuses to justifiy it: it's too expensive, maybe it's not what God wants, it didn't really click, I'm too attached to Geneva.
Stupid.
So I've started looking at orphanage possibilities again. And I'm realising that if no one supports me, then so be it, I'll just have to take it into my own hands. Cause deep in my heart, that is what I want to do... Oh, I hope I don't change my mind again. But it feels like this is what I've been wanting all year...

rambled on byThais 9:40 AM

: Saturday, September 04, 2004 :

 
Listening to: Something Corporate - North

"And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life." - Jesus [Matthew 19:29]

It all became quite clear in the wee hours of the morning. Following Jesus will cost something. It will cost something that is dear to you. For the rich young ruler, it meant selling all his posessions. For a person like me, whose treasure is found in friends, it could mean chosing to leave those friends.
If following Jesus means leaving Geneva behind, then so be it. I need to trust that God really is good. That He really will provide. That He really is worth the sacrifice.
It breaks my heart. But God is close to the brokenhearted...

Next steps: email Christian Associates, call Carlton, pray, pray, pray.

rambled on byThais 9:21 AM

: Wednesday, September 01, 2004 :

 
Listening to: Jimmy Eat World - Futures (NEW cd!!!)

I've been reading a lot of Paul's letters. Romans, Galatians, Colossians... And you know what keeps striking me? How much Paul brings up love. He brings it up all the time! It's like the essential advice for all these church communities he's writing to.

You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command : "Love your neighbour as yourself". Galatians 5:13-14

And over all these virtues, put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 4:14

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," "Do not covet,"and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law. Romans 13:8-10

Where has that message gone? If I tell someone I'm a Christian, they aren't going to say "oh cool, that must mean you really love people well". It's more like they expect the opposite: narrow-mindedness, hatred, prejudice... What's happened to us and the way we love?
If the whole law is summed up as: "love your neighbour as yourself", why do we spend so much time on other things? Why do we debate so much about stupid issues, and get hung up on so many trivial things? I just feel like we've lost the priority that selfless love should have in our lives...

God, please give us more of Your love for the people around us, whether they be our friends, our coworkers, the people on the street, the annoying people, or the people we disagree with theologically... Remind us that,

If we speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, We are nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.

If we speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if we have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but we don't love, we're nothing.

If we give everything we own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but we don't love, we've gotten nowhere.

So, no matter what we say, what we believe, and what we do, we are BANKRUPT

without love.

[ - 1st Corinthians 13:1-3]

rambled on byThais 12:16 PM